Meeting the Inner Critic with Radical Kindness

In a world that can seem to be filled with greed, hatred, and delusion, radical kindness is a revolutionary act.

Cultivating radical kindness goes beyond just being “nice” or “doing the right thing.” It means that we consciously choose to live, speak, and act from a place of deep care and compassion for ourselves and others—especially when it’s the last thing we want to do. That's what makes it radical! And we can build this ability, bit by bit.

Often, radical kindness starts with kindness towards ourselves. How often does our inner critic berate our appearance, our abilities, or our choices without us even asking for input? The kicker is that we tend to believe just about everything the inner critic says, and these stories of guilt or shame may become a habitual response to stress.

Consider the go-to stories your inner critic tells you? It may be a story like: You’re not enough - not smart, attractive, or successful enough. Or, on the other hand: You’re too much - too needy, always seeking attention. Or simply, You don’t belong - too different or unacceptable. What are your inner critic’s “greatest hits”?

One benefit of bringing the inner critic into your meditation practice (I offer a guided meditation on doing so as part of the Challenge that kicks off this Tuesday) is that you can become more aware of the sensations, emotions, and images that arise when you believe them. It’s one thing to know intellectually that your inner critic is not being kind – it’s another thing to see and feel that directly. Generally, when we take time to really listen to our inner critic, it can feel hard and painful.

So, what can you do about it? One thing that doesn’t help is fighting fire with fire. Yelling at your inner critic to shut up doesn’t work, and, if you think about it, you’re just doing even more yelling at yourself. First, your inner critic berates you for not being good enough, and then you berate yourself for having an inner critic!

Instead, one of the best ways to relate to your inner critic is to balance it out with radical kindness. Radical kindness allows us to deeply listen to and counter our inner critic, as we learn to meet our suffering with compassion rather than judgment or blame. I suggest repeating the following phrases to yourself, and noticing how it feels to hear them:

May I be kind and gentle with myself.

May I trust that I’m doing my best.

May I cultivate patience with myself.

It can take some time to explore how those phrases of self-compassion feel for you. If it feels totally easy, or unfamiliar, or even very awkward, all of that is welcome. You can treat this practice as an experiment, or an exploration – seeing what it’s like to hear these phrases and, perhaps, take them in.

If you find it hard to offer them to yourself, imagine hearing these phrases from someone who deeply loves and cares for you. To do this, simply recall a person in your life that has been supportive, affirming, encouraging, or kind towards you (if you are having trouble finding someone, imagine a kind figure or character who has inspired you). And then imagine them saying the same phrases, except in the second person:

May you be kind and gentle with yourself

May you trust that you’re doing your best

May you find patience with yourself.

Sometimes, bringing this person to mind can help you to be all of who you are—the so-called good and bad—and still feel accepted and loved. Remembering people who have been supportive and accepting of you, especially in your hardest moments, can foster the ability to offer kindness to yourself.

If nothing else, an act of radical kindness can be simply taking the time to pause, to feel your body, and to be with your heart in this way. Over time, you can learn to meet life head-on with an attitude of courage and generosity for yourself and others.